I was looking for my CV on my parents computer today and i stumbled across this loooovelyyy little piece of conversational torture.

B - Am at a wedding and not only pressure of who is getting married next but now playing dancing queen on the music don’t think so at all.

M - Oh dear – poor you! Whose wedding?

B - One of Juanita friends low key but pressure felt indeed has 6 close friends and now pressure on not me tho not even close.

M - That bad huh? See why we would want to get married again anyway. Hope better song is on now! X

B - Yeah abba a bitch as you know don’t have a desire to marry again had love of my life don’t need it in marriage again especially with Fucked up Cunt as Rachel why should I give her anything more eh.

J - This is Juanita now I know exactly where I stand I guess.

B - Now Juanita read my message and pissed off oh well

M - I know – check your sent messages, she just texted me! Oh well indeed…Xx

J - Its me again I feel like you two are totally against me I feel so hurt right now maree. I think this is the end of it all.

M - Nothing could be further from the truth! I and em (who knows u better) think you are the loveliest person! B just finds rachels total lack of respect for him incredibly difficult, which I know places u in a horrible position, I really hope u and b can work things out xx

J - Too late I think. As his sister you may not realise he is not without blame. Anyway I wish you well may you both find happiness, Rachel and I will move on to our next victim.

I being Rachel.
J being my loving, kind and all too easily forgiving mother.
B being my absolute WANKER of a stepthing.
and M being his one-side-of-the-story-my-brother-can-do-no-wrong sister.

i am livid. i want to hit him. he is so cruel to my mother on account of me "not respecting him", whereas he does not respect me. therefore i do not see how he expects me to blindly respect him. he is the most horrid of beings. and i may be bias, but i know that even without that, he is cruel and unkind. i hope he falls into a pit of fire.

that is all.

Here's to a ressurection of an old beginning

As of today, i have decided i am in desperate need of using this again.
So i will.
This is short, and we have so much to catch up on, but i must bid thee adieu.
but only for the now.
i promise.

18.12.09

I miss you already. It's been a day. But you just don't get what you mean to me. You don't get that i can love you even if you think i don't know you. And how can you say i don't care? How can you say you aren't changing me? Cos you have. And you want me to change even more. I smoke. I drink. And on occasion i do drugs. Making me stop is changing me, so don't say it's not. It's not something i can take lightly, it's not something i can cease at the drop of a hat, not even for you. Though i want to. I wish i could be perfect, but for goodness sake i can't, i accept you don't like it, learn to accept that i do. I like you because you are opinionated, but don't shove those opinions down my throat. I dont shove mine down yours. How could you be so cruel? I cried. You made me cry. You who always made me smile. I trusted you and you hurt me. Like all the other boys i've told you about. I thought you of all people would have understood. Ah well, i'll live.

i just realised time is running out for a few things.

someone leaving.
sorting my life out.
starting all the things i've supposed to have started a long time ago.

but mostly the someone leaving.
how do you say goodbye to someone you used to know.
especially when they can't hear you.
i guess if i say it loud enough and enough times the message might get there.

so;
goodbye.
you were so amazing.
the world is your oyster.
i love you.

Drug summer? Yeah, sure, why not?

so it's almost the summer holidays, which even though i don't go to school, i am excited about.
i'm totally looking forward to family bbqs, and CHRISTMAS! my favourite time of year.
presents, family, party. fun.
and it'll be beach season! i'm thinking about it and it just keeps getting better and better. summer is party season, long days, warmer nights. i can wear my bikini again and scare everyone off the beach (:
then there's happy summer music. like the my lastest favourite 'radio' song: Say hey by Micheal Franti. it's seriously amazing. happy music, it's the sound of summer. oh and the sounds of new zealand stoner bands lol.
and maybe the beatles.
enough summer rambling.

peace out, lovelies.

Oh, the trials and tribulations of teenagedom.

Oh the sense of needing to change yourself to fit the images in your head, of needing to be like the ones you adore.
I don't particularily wish to be like those that inspire me, myself, they are their own people and how could i intrude on that? But there is a certain amount of wanting to follow in their footsteps, although i don't know which to follow as they're all so different.
Oh the confusion of picking a path for your life, of finding a future to suit who you are now and who you might be.
This is my main problem most times, i think to myself i want to be this and i want to be that, but i never seek it to be so, i never stick it out til the end. My own indecisiveness may very well be my downfall.
Oh the decisions of youth, of times where you have no idea what life is like, because you simplay haven't lived it.
Oh to be young, at least in mind, but i think too much, i stress too much about my life and where it's going, i think to myself, awake in my bed, what do i want to do? who do i want to be? and every night it's a different answer. i'm too freespirited to know how to settle into something solid.
Oh the freespiritedness of the golden years, of the nights when there's nothing but you and the stars on a warm summers evening.
If i could ever be so free again, i would, most certainly, but i fear those days have come and gone. The times for midnight swimming and early morning talking has pasted me by, only stopping in for a quick flirt. Then leaving me alone, so very alone.
Oh the lonliness of myself, of my mind, body and soul at this time of my life.
A lonliness which grows deeper everyday, and more painful every second. Oh to be young and in love.

The lies come too easily

I'm lying to someone i hold dear.
I can't really help it i value the friendship more than the truth, but it's becoming to easy.
my dakota knows not of what i do, i lied about who he is. this is so non-sensical.
i dont want him to end up like the last. who doesn't talk to me.
oh fml.


oh a happier note, my hair is clean.