Someone said to me recently "..you seem like you have to impress someone all the time and like you do all this stuff to be cool. Sometimes i feel like shouting at you and telling you to just be yourself cos you don't have to impress anyone." and it really hit home. You see, i'm not this person's biggest fan, but i certainly respect their thoughts and feelings. Especially towards me, cos we have history. As bad as it is. So when he said this to me i had to dwell on it, and i realised he's right, gosh darn it he's bloody right. So i thought, i wonder where i went wrong with this. When did i make the decision that i had to impress people with some fake persona i made because my real self wasn't good enough? I mean this fake persona has strong notes of what i percieve is the real me, but it's not all there. Then my next question struck me, what is the real me even like anymore? i haven't been paying attention to the changes, so i've lost myself in a bid to become someone, and something, i'm not. it's tearing me up knowing that if i find myself one day, say whilst strolling in the sunlight, will that real me be enough to keep my home fires burning, so to speak. Will i lose some of the best friends i've ever had? am i even fake around them?
all these questions and no foreseeable answers. i thank this person so much for making me see, but i condemn their actions for making me so utterly confused and completely lost in life now.
in saying all this, if they of all people think the real me is awesome, when they spend most of the time ruining my life, my friends' lives and their own(although he may not see it or be bothered by it) then the real me must be good enough for mass consumption. and i might as well try it.
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