I'll probably be a bit less secretive about it this time, Fred is a little less complicated nowadays, and yet so much more. you see Fred likes...lets call them Tina. And Tina, although she seems to lie to me about it, likes him. This annoys me for two reasons. A) Tina is lying although i have proof she said otherwise. And B) FRED LIKES TINA.
Me and Fred had some sweet sweet sweetness for a little, but i have a feeling it was all lies. I like Fred heaps, but he makes me feel sad and lonely more and more each day. I just wish, by some small miracle, that he'd whisk me off my feet and say he likes me. Even if it doesn't mean he's going to do anything about it. At least then i'll know where i stand, and if i'm being toyed with or not.
23.3.09
The stupidity of humans.
Righto, down to business. you guys wanna play dirty, fine.
I don't want to be your friend. Why you ask. well simply because you're all horrible. i wasn't 'sulking', i simply had things on my mind, you have no right to judge me on the fact i didn't tell you my personal issues, so what if we were an open group of friends, doesn't mean you should expect me to share everything with you. it's just not how i do things, build a fucking bridge and get over it. you all made me feel like an outsider, you say all you did was care, but you hardly did that well. i know what you'll say "we didn't treat you any different, you fatty go eat another pie" or something malicious like that. but hey guess what? you did. you may not think so, but you fucking well did. so just leave it okay. i txt you the harshest, meanest way possible so you'd get the message, and well, it worked didn't it. i mean fuck. just stay out of what is no longer your business. get over it. i sorted myself out by getting rid of you guys. so stop acting like im someone i'm not because im just trying to be who i am.
i know you'll make snide comments about the fact i even wrote this, but to be quite honest ui couldn't care less.
oh and i did have a good birthday with Ashlee, thanks. Have you never hasn't ever been as fun.
I don't want to be your friend. Why you ask. well simply because you're all horrible. i wasn't 'sulking', i simply had things on my mind, you have no right to judge me on the fact i didn't tell you my personal issues, so what if we were an open group of friends, doesn't mean you should expect me to share everything with you. it's just not how i do things, build a fucking bridge and get over it. you all made me feel like an outsider, you say all you did was care, but you hardly did that well. i know what you'll say "we didn't treat you any different, you fatty go eat another pie" or something malicious like that. but hey guess what? you did. you may not think so, but you fucking well did. so just leave it okay. i txt you the harshest, meanest way possible so you'd get the message, and well, it worked didn't it. i mean fuck. just stay out of what is no longer your business. get over it. i sorted myself out by getting rid of you guys. so stop acting like im someone i'm not because im just trying to be who i am.
i know you'll make snide comments about the fact i even wrote this, but to be quite honest ui couldn't care less.
oh and i did have a good birthday with Ashlee, thanks. Have you never hasn't ever been as fun.
19.3.09
blaaaahhhhhhhhh
Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
sucky.
sucky.
17.3.09
fucksalt.
this is in code. kinda.
i'm somewhat scared someone will know what im talking about.
so i like...let's call him Fred. And Fred attends something i also attend. Fred is cool. And i like Fred a resonable amount. It's definately more than a Fred crush... Trouble is Fred is a....complicated desirable. I won't go into detail for fear of being caught out. But ill put it this way, unless heads roll and God intervenes, me and Fred will never be. Which is kinda sucky on my part. Really sucky actually. Blarrggghhhh.
i'm somewhat scared someone will know what im talking about.
so i like...let's call him Fred. And Fred attends something i also attend. Fred is cool. And i like Fred a resonable amount. It's definately more than a Fred crush... Trouble is Fred is a....complicated desirable. I won't go into detail for fear of being caught out. But ill put it this way, unless heads roll and God intervenes, me and Fred will never be. Which is kinda sucky on my part. Really sucky actually. Blarrggghhhh.
14.3.09
):
Just because summer is over doesn't mean we are right?
Just because i can't deal with leaving my house right now doesn't mean you're going to forget about me, does it?
I can feel the seams coming undone, and im dreading it like a favourite dress falling apart.
How do i live without my favourite dress? how do i live without you?
We may be changing, but we can evolve can't we? we can accept our differences and we can continue on our adventures. because our adventures are worth living for, worth keeping us alive for.
we were all so close, now i see you all drift to the horizon slowly. and it pains me like watching the sun set on a good day when everything is going alright.
and everything was going alright wasn't it? where did we all go wrong?
Just because i can't deal with leaving my house right now doesn't mean you're going to forget about me, does it?
I can feel the seams coming undone, and im dreading it like a favourite dress falling apart.
How do i live without my favourite dress? how do i live without you?
We may be changing, but we can evolve can't we? we can accept our differences and we can continue on our adventures. because our adventures are worth living for, worth keeping us alive for.
we were all so close, now i see you all drift to the horizon slowly. and it pains me like watching the sun set on a good day when everything is going alright.
and everything was going alright wasn't it? where did we all go wrong?
11.3.09
random ramblings.
So i feel like venting.
Why can i NOT find a boy? i can't even find a not nice one who likes me, let alone a nice one. i mean blimey hell, is it THAT much to ask? seriously. im just so frustrated, to the point of lesbianism, but that's not looking too hopeful either.
this is just so stupid! all i ask for is someone i hold hands with and walk up to my friends and be like "this is my boyfriend, guys" and they'll be all like wtf? how'd you manage that?
i just want someone to cuddle at night. and kiss in the rain. Or the sun. Or even snow, you get the point.
someone who thinks im wonderful even though im a dork. someone who laughs at my jokes even though most of the time they aren't funnny.
okay, this is becoming a lot to ask for really....
but if i could just get someone who can hold me, i'd be bloody well content.
im in that stage of my teenagedom where i feel i need someone.
even if i don't REALLY.
so please God, Buddha and Jehovah, find me a boy, almost any boy will do.
Why can i NOT find a boy? i can't even find a not nice one who likes me, let alone a nice one. i mean blimey hell, is it THAT much to ask? seriously. im just so frustrated, to the point of lesbianism, but that's not looking too hopeful either.
this is just so stupid! all i ask for is someone i hold hands with and walk up to my friends and be like "this is my boyfriend, guys" and they'll be all like wtf? how'd you manage that?
i just want someone to cuddle at night. and kiss in the rain. Or the sun. Or even snow, you get the point.
someone who thinks im wonderful even though im a dork. someone who laughs at my jokes even though most of the time they aren't funnny.
okay, this is becoming a lot to ask for really....
but if i could just get someone who can hold me, i'd be bloody well content.
im in that stage of my teenagedom where i feel i need someone.
even if i don't REALLY.
so please God, Buddha and Jehovah, find me a boy, almost any boy will do.
8.3.09
blllaaahhhh rant
Rant.
Too many people have said to me that they miss the old days and wish everything was like it was back then. I don’t think they quite realise that they’re the reason things have changed. I mean, people change constantly and if you look back to then you’ll probably realise how completely different you were, you look different, think differently, do different things for fun. You have different friends, different tastes in music and different music genre inspired hairstyles. People say things were simpler back then and that’s because we didn’t have the superior knowledge of the world, of life and all it’s downfalls. Back then we thought that having a crush on someone who didn’t notice us was terrible, but now things are so much more complex. Don’t get me wrong though, the unnoticed crush problem is still quite “crushing”. Ha. Anyway. Back to superior knowledge, people grow up to realise that people aren’t just people, they’re quite complex little things with opinions and thoughts and bad habits and hearts to break. There are people who grow up to use this knowledge to break the hearts and highlight the bad habits and generally make people feel bad. Then there’s the people who treasure the opinions and think out the thoughts with others, and try as best they can to mend a broken heart or help to fix a bad habit if the person feels it needs fixing. Those people don’t judge or pressure, they just do what they can. Then there’s your average selfish person, though in saying selfish I don’t essentially mean it in a bad way, sure it can be annoying but look inside yourself (which definitely won’t be hard for your own selfish nature) and you will surely find your own little model of yourself constantly chanting me me me me me me and preening in a mirror while little models of everyone else die around them. This may all seem negative to you and I don’t want to give you the impression that your average Joe Blog person is all about themselves, because they aren’t they have major moments of helping others, but mostly when they obviously need help, they don’t seek out the problems to help with. They’ll comfort a friend who has encountered a heart-breaker, or rejoice with a friend who has found a heart-mender, but they won’t overly exert themselves to become one of the two. They’ll just sit back and watch the show of life happen around them and on occasion they will join in, share their input and then back off again. And it’s so sad to see that. People have amazing abilities to be whomever they wish to be, but very little of the population really truly get that. I am forever seeing talents wasted and opinions hidden. Even less of the population realise people actually care and want to help them, they take their worldly problems and tuck them inside little bottles then store them on the thin line in between their conscious and subconscious minds. Then the bottles gather and we run out of room, so we start reusing bottles and the bottles get full. Then when no one is watching (God forbid anyone see us when we’re showing weakness or emotion, for fear of being called the latest in derogatory slander derived from the music industry) we break the fuck down, and not in the sense of shoving on some BMTH and flailing about like retards, no, in the sense of tears and homicidal, or even suicidal, thoughts. And do people help them if they so decide they suddenly want help? No way! That involves actually getting to know them, showing empathy and taking some of their pain unto yourself and our generation really sucks at that. I mean, gosh like who like totally wants to like feel like those like fucking emos, cos like they’re all sad and like depressed and like stuff, yeahhhh. And society doesn’t like sensitivity. No it does not.
Too many people have said to me that they miss the old days and wish everything was like it was back then. I don’t think they quite realise that they’re the reason things have changed. I mean, people change constantly and if you look back to then you’ll probably realise how completely different you were, you look different, think differently, do different things for fun. You have different friends, different tastes in music and different music genre inspired hairstyles. People say things were simpler back then and that’s because we didn’t have the superior knowledge of the world, of life and all it’s downfalls. Back then we thought that having a crush on someone who didn’t notice us was terrible, but now things are so much more complex. Don’t get me wrong though, the unnoticed crush problem is still quite “crushing”. Ha. Anyway. Back to superior knowledge, people grow up to realise that people aren’t just people, they’re quite complex little things with opinions and thoughts and bad habits and hearts to break. There are people who grow up to use this knowledge to break the hearts and highlight the bad habits and generally make people feel bad. Then there’s the people who treasure the opinions and think out the thoughts with others, and try as best they can to mend a broken heart or help to fix a bad habit if the person feels it needs fixing. Those people don’t judge or pressure, they just do what they can. Then there’s your average selfish person, though in saying selfish I don’t essentially mean it in a bad way, sure it can be annoying but look inside yourself (which definitely won’t be hard for your own selfish nature) and you will surely find your own little model of yourself constantly chanting me me me me me me and preening in a mirror while little models of everyone else die around them. This may all seem negative to you and I don’t want to give you the impression that your average Joe Blog person is all about themselves, because they aren’t they have major moments of helping others, but mostly when they obviously need help, they don’t seek out the problems to help with. They’ll comfort a friend who has encountered a heart-breaker, or rejoice with a friend who has found a heart-mender, but they won’t overly exert themselves to become one of the two. They’ll just sit back and watch the show of life happen around them and on occasion they will join in, share their input and then back off again. And it’s so sad to see that. People have amazing abilities to be whomever they wish to be, but very little of the population really truly get that. I am forever seeing talents wasted and opinions hidden. Even less of the population realise people actually care and want to help them, they take their worldly problems and tuck them inside little bottles then store them on the thin line in between their conscious and subconscious minds. Then the bottles gather and we run out of room, so we start reusing bottles and the bottles get full. Then when no one is watching (God forbid anyone see us when we’re showing weakness or emotion, for fear of being called the latest in derogatory slander derived from the music industry) we break the fuck down, and not in the sense of shoving on some BMTH and flailing about like retards, no, in the sense of tears and homicidal, or even suicidal, thoughts. And do people help them if they so decide they suddenly want help? No way! That involves actually getting to know them, showing empathy and taking some of their pain unto yourself and our generation really sucks at that. I mean, gosh like who like totally wants to like feel like those like fucking emos, cos like they’re all sad and like depressed and like stuff, yeahhhh. And society doesn’t like sensitivity. No it does not.
2.3.09
somnium, amor et vita.
Somnium. Which means dream in Latin. I dream to be a psychologist, or a criminologist. Huge asperations for someone who got kicked out of school at fifteen and is barely scraping by doing correspondence, but they're my asperations all the same.
Amor. Which means love in Latin. I love many things, sunlight, the time before it starts to rain where the sky is grey with dense clouds, white chocolate lattes with Josh, txts at ungodly hours of the morning from Adam, lying on grass and looking at cloud shapes, having people to talk to on MSN, writing weird little stories, reading books and losing track of time, songs that give you goosebumps and butterflies, meeting someone and getting on with them straight away, mail and last but not least, not needing drugs to feel a sense of euphoria and being able to look around me and feel excited about the beauty that's in every inch of the world, no matter how unconventional that beauty is.
Vita. Which means life in Latin. My life is doing things that make me feel happy. My Life is my friends. And my life is amaing.
Exitus.
Amor. Which means love in Latin. I love many things, sunlight, the time before it starts to rain where the sky is grey with dense clouds, white chocolate lattes with Josh, txts at ungodly hours of the morning from Adam, lying on grass and looking at cloud shapes, having people to talk to on MSN, writing weird little stories, reading books and losing track of time, songs that give you goosebumps and butterflies, meeting someone and getting on with them straight away, mail and last but not least, not needing drugs to feel a sense of euphoria and being able to look around me and feel excited about the beauty that's in every inch of the world, no matter how unconventional that beauty is.
Vita. Which means life in Latin. My life is doing things that make me feel happy. My Life is my friends. And my life is amaing.
Exitus.
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