18.12.09

I miss you already. It's been a day. But you just don't get what you mean to me. You don't get that i can love you even if you think i don't know you. And how can you say i don't care? How can you say you aren't changing me? Cos you have. And you want me to change even more. I smoke. I drink. And on occasion i do drugs. Making me stop is changing me, so don't say it's not. It's not something i can take lightly, it's not something i can cease at the drop of a hat, not even for you. Though i want to. I wish i could be perfect, but for goodness sake i can't, i accept you don't like it, learn to accept that i do. I like you because you are opinionated, but don't shove those opinions down my throat. I dont shove mine down yours. How could you be so cruel? I cried. You made me cry. You who always made me smile. I trusted you and you hurt me. Like all the other boys i've told you about. I thought you of all people would have understood. Ah well, i'll live.

i just realised time is running out for a few things.

someone leaving.
sorting my life out.
starting all the things i've supposed to have started a long time ago.

but mostly the someone leaving.
how do you say goodbye to someone you used to know.
especially when they can't hear you.
i guess if i say it loud enough and enough times the message might get there.

so;
goodbye.
you were so amazing.
the world is your oyster.
i love you.

Drug summer? Yeah, sure, why not?

so it's almost the summer holidays, which even though i don't go to school, i am excited about.
i'm totally looking forward to family bbqs, and CHRISTMAS! my favourite time of year.
presents, family, party. fun.
and it'll be beach season! i'm thinking about it and it just keeps getting better and better. summer is party season, long days, warmer nights. i can wear my bikini again and scare everyone off the beach (:
then there's happy summer music. like the my lastest favourite 'radio' song: Say hey by Micheal Franti. it's seriously amazing. happy music, it's the sound of summer. oh and the sounds of new zealand stoner bands lol.
and maybe the beatles.
enough summer rambling.

peace out, lovelies.

Oh, the trials and tribulations of teenagedom.

Oh the sense of needing to change yourself to fit the images in your head, of needing to be like the ones you adore.
I don't particularily wish to be like those that inspire me, myself, they are their own people and how could i intrude on that? But there is a certain amount of wanting to follow in their footsteps, although i don't know which to follow as they're all so different.
Oh the confusion of picking a path for your life, of finding a future to suit who you are now and who you might be.
This is my main problem most times, i think to myself i want to be this and i want to be that, but i never seek it to be so, i never stick it out til the end. My own indecisiveness may very well be my downfall.
Oh the decisions of youth, of times where you have no idea what life is like, because you simplay haven't lived it.
Oh to be young, at least in mind, but i think too much, i stress too much about my life and where it's going, i think to myself, awake in my bed, what do i want to do? who do i want to be? and every night it's a different answer. i'm too freespirited to know how to settle into something solid.
Oh the freespiritedness of the golden years, of the nights when there's nothing but you and the stars on a warm summers evening.
If i could ever be so free again, i would, most certainly, but i fear those days have come and gone. The times for midnight swimming and early morning talking has pasted me by, only stopping in for a quick flirt. Then leaving me alone, so very alone.
Oh the lonliness of myself, of my mind, body and soul at this time of my life.
A lonliness which grows deeper everyday, and more painful every second. Oh to be young and in love.

The lies come too easily

I'm lying to someone i hold dear.
I can't really help it i value the friendship more than the truth, but it's becoming to easy.
my dakota knows not of what i do, i lied about who he is. this is so non-sensical.
i dont want him to end up like the last. who doesn't talk to me.
oh fml.


oh a happier note, my hair is clean.

never shout never!

nsn is my favourite. lyrical genius. somehow every song relates to me. i don't get it. b'cos the songs have nothing to do with my life really. but somehow i manage to get something from all of them. oh how i love Christofer Drew Ingle. i wanna be like him when i'm older. he's my absolute idol (bar Tim Burton). losing it is playing in my ears at the moment and it's amazing.
oh the amazingness of it all. his songs give me butterflies and make me so happy. hahahahaha happy. oh the irony.
anywho
LOL

I have a vagina, therefore this is allowed.

I just saw episode four of Skins season 3. And now i feel like having a whinge about life, by life i mean boys and being lonely. you know.... life.
skins made me feel oh so very lonely. somehow. i don't really get it myself. so im sitting here feeling like an old spinster, which is fucked i mean c'mon im sixteen. i have this little list of things i'd like a boy to be like. evidently said boy doesn't appear to exist. maybe i'm looking too hard. or not hard enough.
i'm listening to save by the rocket summer and im pretty sure it's not helping my mood any. but it's such a good song.
fml, man.
"i dont get it, im not asking for much. but everybody just wants something."
too true.
i just wish my "crush" would uncomplicate itself. fat chance considering it's a time matter.

i feel like breaking the fuck down, man. not kosher.

Long time no see.

My life just goes in circles....
I like this fellow, unfortunately it's complicated.
Sound familiar? it's like the fucking story of my life.
i wish it wasn't the story of my life. i wish the story of my life was more like this:
im a simple person with simple needs and wants which are easily obtained.
but you know, that would be wayyyy too easy. and life is hard.
fucking life.
im so angry at the world for presenting me with another boy who i will not get b'cos i am just not that kind of person it seems. i don't get the boy. i'm not the heroine of the story. i am the sidekick how doesn't get a love interest. fml.
oh well. life goes on. i guess ONE day i'll find me some love. til then i'll continue to moan about the lack there of. hmmm....

Fuck Bush + fuck this war.

I dont even live in America but the way they treat their war veterans is pathetic.I was watching Dr. Phil (yes i have no life) and it was about the VA (vetarans administration) and how unbelievably crap they are at taking care of their own people.Countless suicides could have been prevented had the VA not sent soldiers who suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder home instead of giving them the treatment they need. And a man who lost his eye and his leg for his country is being put on the back burner and having to wait months for the treatment he needs. I was never really fond of America, and i have never been more glad that Bush lost the latest election. Hopefully Obama can do a better job of running his country and caring for his people than that stupid idiot Bush ever could.

After a wholesome night of church fun...

i sit here, tired, waiting.
waiting for the rain to come, or the sun to shine
or the grass to grow or the paint to dry
im in the waiting place
waiting for my life to clarify itself to meor even just give me a glimpse of direction
should i follow in footsteps and shadows?
or step into the spotlight?
pick the well worn paths, or the road less travelled?

i sit here, tired, wondering.
wondering if the world's as beautiful as first glance makes you believe
wondering if my sitting here right now writing this has a purpose
wondering if my prince will come
or even if my arch nemeses in life will be conquered
wondering if my dreams will ever be reality and if my nightmares will ever cease
wondering if memories fade with youth
or if we remember all the happiness and turmoil like it were felt that very day
wondering if anything will ever turn out the way one plans it to.

i sit here, tired, alone.
in a usually loud house with only the sounds of my fingers on keys
too tired to stay awake, but to alive to go to sleep
why waste what potentially little time i have left on dreams which hold hidden meanings?
when i could seek the Truth in my waking hours.
and i sit here, contemplating my truths and my world.
waiting.
wondering.
alone.

I wish....

i was older, living in a flat with a bunch of people i previously didn't know but are lovely and into music and art. i would work in a super trendy bar which played super cool music and was full of students. i'd go to college during the day and study music, dance, photography & drama. on my days off me and my flatmates would hold little get togethers and chill with all our friends. i'd have a lovely, funny, like-minded boyfriend who takes me out on romantic dates, watches scary movies with me and makes me laugh. we'd live a carefree, comfortable life. and i'd always find time to do the things i love

All the world's a stage...?

For Nat's sake, Yes i am feeling much better, thank you.

It just keeps raining and raining and i am constantly reminded of V for vendetta.
I've pretty much given up everything that ever resembled a life, and im even enjoying the fact.
I kinda like getting up at any time and watching Howl's moving castle or cry baby or rocky horror picture show. I like not having to dress how people expect me to, or even not dressing at all. Having the ability to spend a whole day in bed is pure ecstasy.
Even being banned from the computer is seeming alright these days. Having no money is fine. And only getting one packet of cigarettes a week and leaving the house only to go to church is starting to become easier.

I just looked at the title of this and realised it has no relevance at all. I like it. Hmmm.

The death of us.

fucccckkk
i have this sinking feeling. my life kinda went from uber positive to tears prickling in my eyes within a few hours.
im trying to cheer up by listening to nevershoutnever! but i think that's just making it worse. why is it that when everything seeems to be going fine something fucks up and im left feeling mediocre once again?
fucking hell.
fuck life.
fuck friends.
fuck boys.
fuck every fucking thing.

Belief and turmoil.

I had a major breakthrough in my life recently. Mostly at EC09. Mostly about my relationship with God. But there is a wee bit more.
At eastercamp i threw my hands up in worship for the first time in my life, and i have never felt so empowered and embodied by the Holy Spirit. Most people don't actually care about what will be written here, so i suggest if you don't care for my faith that you stop reading. I won't hold it against you. This is mostly to help me remember.
Ever since EC i have felt so at peace, nothing is really bothering me (except on thing, but that's a story for later). And i have decided i want to make a difference in this world. Starting with the Invisible Children rally on the 25th of April. http://therescue.invisiblechildren.com/en/ definately check out with that's all about, it's so of the most disturbing and saddening stuff i've ever seen. And i wanna change these kids lives if i can. No harm in trying.

I'm hoping to become more involved in my church. And my faith. I've made some awesome new friends so far and i hope i can make more.
Man, does this seem insanely positive for me or what?
Weirrrdddd.

well that's all for now folks.
ciao.


p.s. listen to Brooke Fraser, she's AMAZING

One step forward, two steps back.

I'll probably be a bit less secretive about it this time, Fred is a little less complicated nowadays, and yet so much more. you see Fred likes...lets call them Tina. And Tina, although she seems to lie to me about it, likes him. This annoys me for two reasons. A) Tina is lying although i have proof she said otherwise. And B) FRED LIKES TINA.
Me and Fred had some sweet sweet sweetness for a little, but i have a feeling it was all lies. I like Fred heaps, but he makes me feel sad and lonely more and more each day. I just wish, by some small miracle, that he'd whisk me off my feet and say he likes me. Even if it doesn't mean he's going to do anything about it. At least then i'll know where i stand, and if i'm being toyed with or not.

The stupidity of humans.

Righto, down to business. you guys wanna play dirty, fine.
I don't want to be your friend. Why you ask. well simply because you're all horrible. i wasn't 'sulking', i simply had things on my mind, you have no right to judge me on the fact i didn't tell you my personal issues, so what if we were an open group of friends, doesn't mean you should expect me to share everything with you. it's just not how i do things, build a fucking bridge and get over it. you all made me feel like an outsider, you say all you did was care, but you hardly did that well. i know what you'll say "we didn't treat you any different, you fatty go eat another pie" or something malicious like that. but hey guess what? you did. you may not think so, but you fucking well did. so just leave it okay. i txt you the harshest, meanest way possible so you'd get the message, and well, it worked didn't it. i mean fuck. just stay out of what is no longer your business. get over it. i sorted myself out by getting rid of you guys. so stop acting like im someone i'm not because im just trying to be who i am.
i know you'll make snide comments about the fact i even wrote this, but to be quite honest ui couldn't care less.

oh and i did have a good birthday with Ashlee, thanks. Have you never hasn't ever been as fun.

blaaaahhhhhhhhh

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
sucky.

fucksalt.

this is in code. kinda.
i'm somewhat scared someone will know what im talking about.

so i like...let's call him Fred. And Fred attends something i also attend. Fred is cool. And i like Fred a resonable amount. It's definately more than a Fred crush... Trouble is Fred is a....complicated desirable. I won't go into detail for fear of being caught out. But ill put it this way, unless heads roll and God intervenes, me and Fred will never be. Which is kinda sucky on my part. Really sucky actually. Blarrggghhhh.

):

Just because summer is over doesn't mean we are right?
Just because i can't deal with leaving my house right now doesn't mean you're going to forget about me, does it?
I can feel the seams coming undone, and im dreading it like a favourite dress falling apart.
How do i live without my favourite dress? how do i live without you?
We may be changing, but we can evolve can't we? we can accept our differences and we can continue on our adventures. because our adventures are worth living for, worth keeping us alive for.
we were all so close, now i see you all drift to the horizon slowly. and it pains me like watching the sun set on a good day when everything is going alright.
and everything was going alright wasn't it? where did we all go wrong?

random ramblings.

So i feel like venting.

Why can i NOT find a boy? i can't even find a not nice one who likes me, let alone a nice one. i mean blimey hell, is it THAT much to ask? seriously. im just so frustrated, to the point of lesbianism, but that's not looking too hopeful either.
this is just so stupid! all i ask for is someone i hold hands with and walk up to my friends and be like "this is my boyfriend, guys" and they'll be all like wtf? how'd you manage that?
i just want someone to cuddle at night. and kiss in the rain. Or the sun. Or even snow, you get the point.
someone who thinks im wonderful even though im a dork. someone who laughs at my jokes even though most of the time they aren't funnny.
okay, this is becoming a lot to ask for really....
but if i could just get someone who can hold me, i'd be bloody well content.
im in that stage of my teenagedom where i feel i need someone.
even if i don't REALLY.
so please God, Buddha and Jehovah, find me a boy, almost any boy will do.

blllaaahhhh rant

Rant.

Too many people have said to me that they miss the old days and wish everything was like it was back then. I don’t think they quite realise that they’re the reason things have changed. I mean, people change constantly and if you look back to then you’ll probably realise how completely different you were, you look different, think differently, do different things for fun. You have different friends, different tastes in music and different music genre inspired hairstyles. People say things were simpler back then and that’s because we didn’t have the superior knowledge of the world, of life and all it’s downfalls. Back then we thought that having a crush on someone who didn’t notice us was terrible, but now things are so much more complex. Don’t get me wrong though, the unnoticed crush problem is still quite “crushing”. Ha. Anyway. Back to superior knowledge, people grow up to realise that people aren’t just people, they’re quite complex little things with opinions and thoughts and bad habits and hearts to break. There are people who grow up to use this knowledge to break the hearts and highlight the bad habits and generally make people feel bad. Then there’s the people who treasure the opinions and think out the thoughts with others, and try as best they can to mend a broken heart or help to fix a bad habit if the person feels it needs fixing. Those people don’t judge or pressure, they just do what they can. Then there’s your average selfish person, though in saying selfish I don’t essentially mean it in a bad way, sure it can be annoying but look inside yourself (which definitely won’t be hard for your own selfish nature) and you will surely find your own little model of yourself constantly chanting me me me me me me and preening in a mirror while little models of everyone else die around them. This may all seem negative to you and I don’t want to give you the impression that your average Joe Blog person is all about themselves, because they aren’t they have major moments of helping others, but mostly when they obviously need help, they don’t seek out the problems to help with. They’ll comfort a friend who has encountered a heart-breaker, or rejoice with a friend who has found a heart-mender, but they won’t overly exert themselves to become one of the two. They’ll just sit back and watch the show of life happen around them and on occasion they will join in, share their input and then back off again. And it’s so sad to see that. People have amazing abilities to be whomever they wish to be, but very little of the population really truly get that. I am forever seeing talents wasted and opinions hidden. Even less of the population realise people actually care and want to help them, they take their worldly problems and tuck them inside little bottles then store them on the thin line in between their conscious and subconscious minds. Then the bottles gather and we run out of room, so we start reusing bottles and the bottles get full. Then when no one is watching (God forbid anyone see us when we’re showing weakness or emotion, for fear of being called the latest in derogatory slander derived from the music industry) we break the fuck down, and not in the sense of shoving on some BMTH and flailing about like retards, no, in the sense of tears and homicidal, or even suicidal, thoughts. And do people help them if they so decide they suddenly want help? No way! That involves actually getting to know them, showing empathy and taking some of their pain unto yourself and our generation really sucks at that. I mean, gosh like who like totally wants to like feel like those like fucking emos, cos like they’re all sad and like depressed and like stuff, yeahhhh. And society doesn’t like sensitivity. No it does not.

somnium, amor et vita.

Somnium. Which means dream in Latin. I dream to be a psychologist, or a criminologist. Huge asperations for someone who got kicked out of school at fifteen and is barely scraping by doing correspondence, but they're my asperations all the same.

Amor. Which means love in Latin. I love many things, sunlight, the time before it starts to rain where the sky is grey with dense clouds, white chocolate lattes with Josh, txts at ungodly hours of the morning from Adam, lying on grass and looking at cloud shapes, having people to talk to on MSN, writing weird little stories, reading books and losing track of time, songs that give you goosebumps and butterflies, meeting someone and getting on with them straight away, mail and last but not least, not needing drugs to feel a sense of euphoria and being able to look around me and feel excited about the beauty that's in every inch of the world, no matter how unconventional that beauty is.

Vita. Which means life in Latin. My life is doing things that make me feel happy. My Life is my friends. And my life is amaing.

Exitus.

I'm like a swing.

I've been very emotional of late. everytime 'someone' says something nice, i pretty much cry. and i have the sudden urge to tell my mother exactly how she's fucking up my mental stability.
this is turning into a list of things that's going wrong with my brain at the moment.
so we have:
- compliments for a certain person make me cry. uncontrollably.
- i feel like talking to my mother. and about things she's doing wrong, which is even more weird.
and i'll add:
- i wake up at six everyday and fall asleep again at 8:30 only to wake up again at 1.
- love story by taylor swift makes me bawl, LOL that's not so abnormal.
- one moment im happy, next moment i'm throwing kinves into the floor.

okay i'm done.
i'm actually just having kick-ass mood swings, half that stuff is normal LOL

Grrrrface. >:|

So yeah. There's these two people, let's call them Robert and Lillian. Lillian is a lovely girl who i think is marvelous. And Robert is a twat when it comes to girls, but he can be an interesting person to talk to. Anywho, Lillian likes Robert. And a lot of people are warning her against it, but she just won't listen. It's frustrating. She thinks she can make all her own mistakes, which is fine. But why oh why does she have to make THIS mistake. It's costing a friendship from me. She's stupid if she wants to go there, knowing everything she knows. Bye bye, Lillian. Was nice knowing you.

Family Feud.

I have this ongoing problem you see, it involves my family. Well family is too broad, it involves my parents, or parent. To be slightly clearer, my mother and my mother's manthing. You see, no matter what i do, it's never good enough for them. I don't talk to my mom and she gets all "why don't you talk to me?" i talk to her and she tells me to shut up. When we don't spend time together she complains, and when i want to she's "too busy". I can't even be arsed explaining anymore.
so yeah, lol, bye.

I'm liking the blogs of late.

So i'm recently vegetarian (as in, i've been vege for a month).

And i'm pleased to announce, i no longer crave the murderous mass that is meat.

i'm super happy about this. like, you have no idea.

this is a lovely, happy rainbow blog, just to celebrate this wonderous achievement

vegetarianism is actually really uplifting.

seriously, give it a go. i mean, it's not for everyone, but if you're considering it, go for it.

it's easy if you set your mind to it, and your body will thank you. and you skin looks all nice and stuff. -sigh- it's magical.

end blog.

I changed myself, only to find i'd lost myself.

Someone said to me recently "..you seem like you have to impress someone all the time and like you do all this stuff to be cool. Sometimes i feel like shouting at you and telling you to just be yourself cos you don't have to impress anyone." and it really hit home. You see, i'm not this person's biggest fan, but i certainly respect their thoughts and feelings. Especially towards me, cos we have history. As bad as it is. So when he said this to me i had to dwell on it, and i realised he's right, gosh darn it he's bloody right. So i thought, i wonder where i went wrong with this. When did i make the decision that i had to impress people with some fake persona i made because my real self wasn't good enough? I mean this fake persona has strong notes of what i percieve is the real me, but it's not all there. Then my next question struck me, what is the real me even like anymore? i haven't been paying attention to the changes, so i've lost myself in a bid to become someone, and something, i'm not. it's tearing me up knowing that if i find myself one day, say whilst strolling in the sunlight, will that real me be enough to keep my home fires burning, so to speak. Will i lose some of the best friends i've ever had? am i even fake around them?
all these questions and no foreseeable answers. i thank this person so much for making me see, but i condemn their actions for making me so utterly confused and completely lost in life now.

in saying all this, if they of all people think the real me is awesome, when they spend most of the time ruining my life, my friends' lives and their own(although he may not see it or be bothered by it) then the real me must be good enough for mass consumption. and i might as well try it.

Dogs, Boys and other things that bite.

Well of late my life is dominated by three things. One: The hunt for a nice boy who doesn't cheat, lie or demand sex every two seconds. Two: The stupid mutt i live with (no, neither of my parents, i'm talking about my dog.) He eats everything that might possibly mean something to someone, including me. Three: Vampires. Yes, i'm throwing a touch of Twilight fangirl talk in here. So that's my life for over a few months, well the first two anyways. The boy search is failing, my dog continues to annoy the flaming hell out of me and twilight continues to be the best book i've read all year. But seriously, all the twilight hype is for a reason, i'm not saying it hasn't been blown out of proportion, because it has. But it's actually a good book. And an average movie. It goes against all vampire myths, which is a bit annoying. Though all in all, it was promise. And love, everyone's a succker for a good love story. Even me. It kinda makes me wish Edward was real, cos he's so charming and protective and what girl doesn't want a bit of that. Though the whole "hey i just happened to have been stalking you making sure you didn't get raped by these guys you met in a dark street, wanna hope in my car?" "oh, yes Edward, i'd love to" -Bella swoons-. wait. when did this blog become entirely about Twilight. well, call me Rachii Cullen and make me sparkle in the sunlight, i'm turning into one of them. =/

I feel inspired.

Another blog tonight, man i'm on a roll. This one is kinda a follow-on to the last, but not really. The general theme came from feeling thrown out, which i can't even explain cos i really haven't been... kinda. Oh well, this is not what the blog is about. It's actually about Alex Pardee, painting, Mitchell Davis and being strangely content in the colourful macabre of life. You see a friend of mine introduced me to livelavalive, youtube it it's amazing, anywho... and that led me to remember that Alex Pardee existed, not like he's hard to forget he's just slipped my mind for a while. He's this really amazing artist who just makes the gore pleasing to the eye, well in my opinion. And he's inspired me to paint things i would never let anyone see cos they're terrible. But my point is, painting is inspiring, it puts me in a mood which makes me look at life differently. Which is magical. I love it, i live for it. it's pretty much the reason i get up in the morn- well late afternoon. The other thing that makes my life seem get-out-of-bed-able, livelavalive's main star, Mitchell Davis. He also inspires me a heap. His random antics are making my life so much longer. Laughter is the best medicine for a poor social life.
Hermit Rachii, out!

Outcast.

I recently went to Australia. And it was lovely. But i came back to my friends all giggling at the inside jokes which came about whilst i was away, i'm not complaining that they shouldn't have had fun without me, but they've been treating me differently since. They keep forgetting i was with them for things and forgetting i wasn't with them for others. Which isn't all that bad, but i try having a conversation with, hmmm let's call her Emily and all i get it "uh-huh" or some other weird-toned monosyllabic response. it kinda hurts. a tad. I guess that's all the complaing i have. I think i'll become a hermit now and leave you to have your fun, Emily. Call me when you feel im not in need of replacing.

Find me a nice boy.

I am yearning for a nice boy. but you see, it seems that there's no such thing. i made a list of what i don't want in a guy, and pretty much ruled out at least everyone i know, if not everyone in the world.
my chances aren't looking fabulous, but you can always try i guess. one day i'll find mr. perfect, til then i'll have to sift through a whole heap of mr. dickheads. im keen LOL.

That boy. This Girl.

Long story short, i liked some guy. he SEEMINGLY liked me back. seems not. but you see i don't care, welli dooo, but i've decided that if he doesn't like my friends, and doesn't like me.... then he can go get fucked. why? well the liking me thing is obvious, but the liking my friends thing, my friend's are my life. like actuals. they'll ALWAYS be there, whereas some scummy boy who ignores me won't me, obviously. Suuureeee, he was lovely and gave me MAJOR butterflies, told me he wanted to fall in love with me and made me contiuosly smile for about 3 days, but that's all in the (recent) past now. Im over this finding me a nice boy thing, it's farrr tooo hard. I think ill just be a sad old spinster for the rest of my life. Oh fuck, i think im losing my faith in humanity.... =/